Apologize for that outburst. Then again, I felt it, all of it, and I wouldn't want to 'invalidate' my emotions, and yes those were condescending quote marks, I'm somewhat wary of that word and people who use it.
But of course as soon as I let myself descend into complete self pity and irrational aggression at helpless hairdressers, things started to shift. I'm sure it has something to do with letting it all go, all the pretense and false cheerfulness,emptying the soul of bullshit and actually making room for change.nothing too concrete but at two in the morning after googling til I was blue in the face I came across an awesome school of gastronomy, sustainable eating, food communications etc. Its run by the slow food foundation in part, built off their principles etc. I'm not sure its perfectly right for me and its definitely expensive and I am already questioning why I need to spend so much money when I'm not even sure how ill use the degree but this is how I scratch everything off my list. And maybe I just need to go down the food path for a bit and trust it, even if it doesn't immediately encompass all the other things I'd imagine myself doing. Maybe I have to do it for myself, if nothing else to work on my relationship to food or if nothing else to get a job working for fair trade, or for a chocolate maker, because I can, or of nothing ELSE,to be that much meaner in the kitchen. I don't know.
Also out of the blue I found a bakery in geneva's website and emailed the owner about cooking schools in the area and when I woke up I had a sweet sweet note from her which always tickles me, that people will help a total stranger. And then a lauryn hill song I love came on as I was getting dressed. And there was a shaft of sunlight in my room and kitty was rolling in it in that way cats do and you can't help smile when cats luxuriate in sun.
And I have to say, I washed and recut my hair...
And its not the end of the world.
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