im out of my mind with irrational frustration right now
and maybe the worst part is that im so fucking aggressively uncomfortably angry, that i cant even effectively write it out. i cant write it off. i keep writing, erasing writing erasingwritingerasingwriteraseraserase
this is a strong enough emotion that even i cant deny its related to something bigger, im not completely detached from reality, but i will say that what threw me over the edge, superficial or not, was a REALLY FUCKING BAD HAIRCUT.
everyone has their thing, snapping gum, being put on hold, losing the keys, your cell wont pick up service when it clearly should be, hitting their head on something, pulling on the seatbelt and having it lock again and again, getting in the shower and finding the water lukewarm or a dribble of pressure, whatever it is, it doesn't warrant crying over it or kicking a wall but you do. you do. you fucking lose it.
well put me in a tepid shower with no cell service and knock my head against something ten times and it wont set me off but when the rare impulse strikes me to actually get a haircut, as in, NOT take a pair of scissors to my own head, actually pay someone to do it for me, i want it to look better than the way it looks when i do it. and this is a strange thing for me to go ape over because most days i drag my ass out of bed and my hair looks like something washed up on the shore after a hurricane but maybe thats why, if i entrust it to a professional, it better make a DIFFERENCE.
i dont want to look like a 13 year old mall rat, i dont want to walk away unable to run my fingers through my hair because you couldnt figure out how to cut it so you gave up half way through and mashed two pounds of wax into it and pretended that counted as a haircut, i dont want to look in the mirror and feel like one of those mushrooms creatures from mario brothers with a full-on bowl cut, and i definitely, definitely DONT WANT YOU TO TELL ME TO GROW IT OUT AND COME BACK IN A MONTH BECAUSE YOU CANT DO ANYTHING WITH IT NOW ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY YOURE A HAIRDRESSER DRESS MY GODDAMN HAIR OR TRY SELLING PEANUTS ON THE CORNER IF YOU CANT HACK IT AS A STYLIST.
i feel like im wasting my life. i dont know what im good at. im mediocre at most things, decent at a few things, great at nothing except maybe loving people but google tells me theres no career in that. the only thing i seem to be any good at is fucking with words. and not always. and not always for the greater good. i dont know what the greater good is. i dont know where to start to seek myself. i dont even know how to get a visa to travel. i am afraid of being lonely when i travel but im equally afraid of filling my time with friends and not gaining anything from the journey itself. i hate the word journey because it sounds desperate but i am desperate and im afraid maybe i hate the word because ive never actually been on one and maybe thats because im too spoiled, too privileged, too scared to take real risks. im afraid of coming home and being no better, no clearer, no more directed than i was when i left. i believe where i'm at has a name and its called self loathing. if i could unzip my skin and step out of it, un hinge my head and take out my brain, i would.
im going to take a shower. and im bringing paint thinner and a paint scraper to try to get this wax off my scalp.
2 comments:
Well I guess now that I’ve broken my silence I may as well comment more often…
To me this is probably one of the most absolutely beautiful and honest things I’ve read in a long while. Maybe it’s because I understand exactly, perfectly what you mean, even the part about not being able to express it. When it happens to me I feel like there are so many aspects and trivialities that I can’t quite capture correctly, which makes trying to convey the whole sum of feelings even more frustrating.
Anyway, today I had a few hours sitting on a bus that allowed me time to think about a multitude of things, and this entry was extremely relevant and thus pervaded my train of thought. I know so many people who live in fear of being judged or making mistakes that they literally just give up on taking risks, and for me this is absolutely the most unequivocally infuriating thing someone can do. It’s like someone took the fire out of their eyes and the worst part is they just ALLOWED it, and for some reason I am overcome with the desire to shake them into some state of passion. It’s as if they live this shell of a life based off of avoiding conflict rather than striving for things, and that they believe they’re happy this way. I know I come at this from a position that is probably more biased than most, but this is a very strong conviction I have. And yes, I promise this is going to some point greater than some grandiose existential theory.
I believe that accomplishing great and worthwhile things are equal parts self-fulfillment and the fulfillment of others, and this doesn’t come solely in the form of monetary gains or bettering someone’s quality of life or making it possible for people to have 800 instead of 600 tv channels. It’s also about helping to share that positive and powerful and PURPOSEFUL outlook where you really feel things and have this driving force to not settle. And that is what I get from reading this – that tensed muscle agitation when you have so much on your to do list but there is some utterly exasperating roadblock that won’t allow you to begin. However, I would take that anytime over being placated by tranquility.
So. I hope that makes sense. Because I try to remember this when I feel the same.
Cristina
Oh, by the way I also cut my own hair.
Annnd if you haven’t already (though I'm assuming you have because my musical knowledge is rather inferior) you should watch this youtube video -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE
The song is getting a lot of press now since kd lang sang it at the opening ceremonies of the olympics but this version has always struck me particularly profoundly.
Hey reada. so glad youve decided to comment more. comment away. i love it. not only because it reminds me people are reading but because your particular comments are full of wisdom and perspective and respect and appreciation and what more can a little blogger like me ask for. this post was a tough one for me to get through, as silly as the topic initially was, im so glad you saw it for what it really was trying to be. so thank you. and keep cutting hairs, splitting hairs, tearing hairs... (also i love that song and love KD)
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