a version of something i wrote to J that i dont want to forget

im not thinking things are so bad and "have to get better." first of all, theyre allready really good. for both of us. think about how much crazy luck it would take for them to just GET better... and how much more likely it is for them to get worse. things dont tend to come together, they tend to fall apart so the likelihood is that things wont get better until/if we make them better. no one knows that more than you. what bugs the SHIT out of me and makes me angry is that im in a situation where i dont feel like i can make the changes. i have so much to do and have no choice but to do it and not only do it but throw myself bodily into it until, by 7 pm, i have absolutely nothign left to give, no ability to talk to L who i have so little time left with, no ability to write the poem i thought of on the way here, no ability to cook the meal id rather put in my body than the shitty nutritionally inferior one ill undoubtably shove through my mouth hole with the last modicum of energy i have left before collapsing onto my bed to start it all again tomorrow. and worst of all, no ability/energy to apply to the two jobs i read about this morning that i would LOVE to do.
but its better, in my mind, to be angry than to be complacent. and yes we should be forgiving ourselves and C and work and our bosses and whoever else for the ways they/we cause us strife... according to the gospel of gilbert... but im not there yet. and theres a time and a place for forgiveness. and this aint no ashram. though i do hope to get to one-or my own (coffee drinking field frolicking farming) version of one- in my near future.