away we go

see it
what an incredibly well rounded highly awesome film. funny vulnerable utterly human.
the entire scene with maggie gylenthal and the stroller had me rolling ROLLING in my seat. and slapping L. of course. because its not funny unless i pummel the nearest person into a pulp. the trailer does NOT do it justice, it looks like another campy indie self discovery movie. its more than that.

but as beautiful as it was to watch two people work out their insecurities about the kind of parents, partners, life companions they would be, it basically just underscored that if i cant be with someone who teaches me about myself, who demands the best out of me but will accept me at my worst, who awes me and keeps me humble, then i would be better off by myself
i wish loneliness didnt factor into my decisions as much as it does.
i'm also reading eat pray love. towards the begining of the book she has escaped to italy and she writes that her demons track her down in the villa borghese.
i remember walking through the borghese gardens myself, 18 and completely isolated, lost, baffled by my existence in the midst of all that grandeur. these days, even as far as i've come since that winter in rome, even as beautiful as boston is in the spring, even as fun and warm as the people i pass my time with are, i still often feel like im back wandering the grounds of those gardens.

an excerpt from the book:

They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.

I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.

Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.

"It's not fair for you come come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."
But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favourite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulss the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."