indefreakincision 2008

im not talking about the first tuesday in november.
hopefully there will be nothing less than a highly decisive pounding of mccain and his insanely innapropriate running mate on that fine day.
noooooo, im talking about 9/5/08.
the day i decide whether or not to accept a job offer at a corporate crisis communications firm in NYC that has caused what i can only equate to a media frenzy among my family members, family friends and even a few personal friends too.

in the last ten days opinions have been flying- most of which ive dodged, others of which ive been broadsided by, and some of which ive gratefully allowed in- but i still find myself straddling the fence of this choice in a most uncomfortable way. there are some splinters up in this mother. yeck.

so completely for my own sake im going to lay this decision out a bit. knowing full well, i might add, that im a lucky bitch to have a job offer at all.
i realize i am blessed in a multitude of ways. stress is relative. in my case, litterally, since it comes down to my relatives, each of whom have me by a limb of my consciousness. so to speak.
i wish it were so easy as to be THIS job versus another. its not.
its take what ive been offered or back to the drawing board where ive been for the whole summer, particularly frantically in the last ten days, working The Network, harassing contacts, interviewing...
as any one of my fellow grads of 2008 knows, its a beast of a board to be on. what with the tanking economy. and all.
also, it doesnt help that i realized way too late in the summer that what i really wanted to be doing was teaching English.
so unless someone gets knocked up (in the promotional or conceptual way) or knocked down (by a bus?) chances are im not going to be getting the teaching jobs i begged for in any of my finely crafted and passionate cover letters.

but i could keep trying. i could move to boston and drag my cat and hopefully a-great-friend-who-i-love with me and find any kind of job (waitressing, temping, whoring) to fill the year and pay the rent and hopefully have a teaching job lined up for 2009.
OR
instead of teaching 'blackberry picking" and seeing my grandmother on the weekends, i could be chained to a blackberry, working in the office on weekends. yes, i could take the job. why?

because its an opportunity to be with a small, very respected communications firm where id have a lot of responsibility, exposure to extremely bright people, a hands on education in finance and, if i stuck it out for 18 months to a year, seriously reputable training and experience that could lead to any number of communications jobs in a different place, say boston, and in a different field geared more towards my interests and values.
everyone has said its much easier to go from the corporate world to teaching than vice versa. and it makes sense. if i hate it ill be able to say i tried, ill quit, ill take the money ive saved from the job and move to Boston and have have no hesitations when i rewrite all my cover letters to the same schools. or ill get an ESL job abroad and come back in a few years with teaching experience and another language under my belt. yeah. YEAH. ill take the job! i can totally just quit! i can just waaaalk away...

but can i?
i wish i could say i have enough conviction- enough sense of self- but instead of allowing me to figure out who i am, this job search business has made me seriously doubt whether i have a "self" at all.
my identity suddenly seems to be like tofu.
on the plus side, like tofu, i seem to be able to pick up any flavor. ive convincingly pictured myself as everything from a teacher to an advertising agent to an italian olive grower. but i fear that i will only be so impressionable, maleable, (bland?) right now. im terrified that the first job i marinate in will become my permanent flavor. i will forevermore taste like a deskjob!!
im joking, kind of.
but my point is: yes, technically it would be easier to find a teaching job after having been in the corporate world than it would be to convince someone to hire me as an account executive when id been reading the red badge of courage to a roomful of teenagers... but can i, daisy, really switch my life gear like that?
will i lose my idealism, if not my will to work and be paid nothing?
these are honest questions that arent easy to ask because theyre not making me or my value system look too cute, but theyre on my mind even if i wish i were full of conviction and internally beautiful enough to tell the HR person at this firm to "go suck the soul out of someone elses face, im moving to boston to shape and encourage young minds!"
ideally i want my work to leave the world better at the end of my day than it was at its beginning. ideally i want to be passionate about what i do. nay, i want to be hopelessly in love with it.
and i know life is too short to waste doing something that i dont believe in. ive never been more aware of that.
but the reality is, im hopelessly realistic. and as a result of my cherished ideals constantly encountering those nagging reals, im just an big chunk of tofu with a crotch full of splinters.
hmm.
ill leave you with that visual.