on grabbing life by the beans:

The other night i started a conversation with my love that i frankly wasnt ready to have. the question posed was: what are the reasons for NOT going to italy. not for a vacation. but in life. to try to have a life, for some period of time, in a place weve both wanted to go, specifically the amalfi coast. so we're sitting at my wee little kitchen table on stools dipping pieces of cheddar into almond butter and calling it dinner(just one reason i love him is his unabashed creative consumption of nut butters) trying to figure out what is stopping us from pursuing a version of heaven. it seemed crazy. i tried to be realistic. money (but it could be worked around) jobs (but wed be happy doing anything and anything could be found) visas (but those could be attained somehow)... he kinda had me.
but for whatever square reasons, i balked. blame it on the taurus in me. i couldnt imagine packing a bag and getting off in fiumicino airport with no idea where or what or how or whether it was legal. i actually couldnt maintain eye contact with him i was so overwhelmed.
and im regretting it now. so much. because what i was forgetting is that we would be together. i always forget this. and not just with him, with everyone in my life. i see everything i do as being alone, every challenge i face i imagine myself being completely alone as i face it. and im not. i have an enormous web of supportive friends and family and even if theyre not WITH me, theyre with me. and if i forget that then so much seems too big to plan or manage. meanwhile this idea is maybe the most beautiful suggestion ive ever heard. so beautiful its terrifying. i fear idealism. i hate hoping for the best and ending up with something less than that, or, worse than disappointing myself, disappointing him. what if we go to the best place on earth in ideal conditions, together, and that doesnt actually make him happy? what if we pursue happiness in its purest form, and we dont find it?
so instead, what, im just going to sit in brookline and bitch about the weather working in a job that half makes me happy half makes the rest of the world happy and buy my half coffee half hot chocolates at the local 7/11? when i could be getting my morning shot of coffee standing up at a cafe bar living in a one room apt above a bakery or in a farm house on the amalfi coast harvesting, in a cafe, in a tourist agency or teaching or whatever but coming home to the person i see a future with each night? HEAVEN. or any variation of that = HEAVEN.
so screw the visa that i dont know how ill get, screw fear of uncertainty, fear of judgement, fear of landing on the other side of the rainbow in a heap with no money and no idea of where to go next. i want to pursue happiness if its a possibility.
and it is possible to do this in a way that isnt PURE risk, if we hopped around to a few farms for a little bit just spending money on our travel, learning about food, learning about farming, and then, at some point, maybe we would meet someone or find someplace or EAT something that made us think: we could DO this.
which brings me to the point which is that one of the reasons this conversation began was talking about foods that i havent found here that i remember from italy, wondering why, with everything thats imported, certain things havent taken off. and i was saying it would be so great to move to italy, learn all about xyz and then bring it back to the states, educate people here about a process, a flavor, something that would open people's minds. and mouths.
the item that started it all was a simple dip/spread made from white beans and green olive oil, pepper, salt, spread on toast... ugh. so good. and today i found a variation of this made by blending a can of white beans (drained) with lemon juice and peanut butter.
symbolism anyone?
i'm making it.
ill let you know.

White Bean and Nut Butter Dip

- a small can (400 g) of white beans
- 1 Tbsp peanut butter
- 1 Tbsp sesame butter (or just another of peanut)
- the juice of a lime
- 2 squirts of chili sauce
- 2 splashes of Worcestershire sauce

Drain the white beans, reserving the liquid for later. In a food processor, combine the white beans with the nut butters and the lime juice. Blend until smooth. If you find the mixture a bit too thick, add a little of the reserved bean liquid until the desired consistency is reached.

Add the chili and Worcestershire sauces, mix again. Taste and adjust the seasoning to your liking. Serve with little sticks of vegetables, toasts or crackers.