im feeling contrary - i was in a sunny mood yesterday, when it was rainy, and today, when its gorgeous, i feel like theres a little black cloud travelling over me.
i think its partially because i'm obliged to be inside so when its gross out at least i feel like im not missing anything. but on days like today i wonder why in the world im doing this job when it doesnt stand for anything i care about or require the creative side of my brain/honest part of my heart AND it traps me in this maze of cubicles that i sincerely believe is a level of hell even dante could not have imagined.
so then i whine to my boss that we should have class outside and she tells me im fired for the third time that day but then takes me for a walk with me and talks about how she- wise, witty and wonderful woman that she is- landed in this position and why she chose to stay and asks me what i really truly want to accomplish with my life and i tell her about my cafe-bookstore-bar-poet/songwriter-open-mic-artist-haven that i intend to create and she nods wisely and says that i'll know when i've taken everything from this job that i need and then it will be time to make a move.
so then im reminded that im here because i love the people i work with. and i feel better.
last night i spent wandering davis square with a lovely dear friend from dartmouth who i met under such unusual circumstances: she played me in my play. and ever since weve felt joined in very specific artistic creative soulful ways. last night we ate cupcakes of lemon and ginger and i showed her my gay cafe and then we went to the rosebud diner, all of twenty feet long with a cash register thats neon-lit and stools with split busted leather tops and a waitress with a voice like a lifer-smoker and the motto of "eat and get out" but we charmed her and sat in the corner booth for two hours eating our thick cut vinegar adn sea salt fries while i explained that id gone off men, perhaps the way one stops eating mozzarella after youve gone to the S of italy and eaten it pracitcally out of the cows udder and then she explained how she was in love with two men who were both too lost to love her back the way she needed too and then we wrapped our heads in scarves like babushkas and held freezing hands all the way home and i realized how fucking fantastic it is that our lives crossed in this creative way as it is fantastic that my life has crossed with everyone who understands me better than i undertand myself.
im a lucky girl.
amen.
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