trying to find something you can feel that you can believe in

it was on a run yesterday listening to music when i realized id finally grown into a song ive always loved. much like i grew into my mothers big amber beads that i coveted as a child, but at the time as she pointed out, they wore me. until one day i tried them on again and i was able to carry them. and it was glorious. and then my mother told me to keep dreaming and stop rummaging through her shit.

back to the song, here it is:


i am finally openly confused enough to appreciate the songs message about searching for yourself. and its mixed message about finding yourself in someone else. something i wrestly with and probably always will.

for a while now ive felt like a lost tourist in my own life. and not just a little bit lacking in direction. im talkin map unfolded wide as my wingspan mouth hangin open no idea which way is up or what the word for up is in this country or whether up is even where i want to head.



whats different now is that i'm dead tired of pretending that i'm NOT lost. im tired of folding the map down to a tiny square that can be hidden in my palm, tired of rehearsing phrases before i say them so i dont sound like a foreigner...tired of projecting fascinating plans into my future; of rehashing old stories from my past to make up for what has sometimes felt like a plot-less present.

its terrifying to take off the training wheels of identity that we are given by our parents. not just our past but our future and all the assumptions that went along with it are called into question. to actually face the reality of a moment and the idea of open possibility...that has been difficult for me. but if for no other reason, im happy with where i am for the fact that its breaking me out of old patterns. growing slowly into new songs.

another song gifted to me last year that makes me happy.
B you will like this one if you dont have it allready: