so i went to brookline booksmith and took down four books on hiking in the area and pulled up a tiny pink plastic stool in the kids section alongside a little girl who was reading outloud to herself from a book called "fancy nancy" or something wonderful like that.
side note: i crave children these days. in the past ive watched them from afar and marvelled at their creativity, their flexibility, their transparancy of emotion, their ability to make beautiful messes... and been glad they werent mine. but lately, i want to grab one and run. i want to pick them up and smell their sleepy child smell. what is wrong with me? is this hormonal? is this what women talk about when the clock starts ticking? i dont know if i even want to have children, im too scared of what kind of mother id be, but right now i just want a CHILD in my life. i was hiking saturday and this dad and his son came by me and the little boy was just old enough to start navigating sections of the trail on his own, stopping of course to touch/try to eat everything. and he was teetering past me on this narrow trail and he just wordlessly reached out for me to get balance and so i took his chubby little hand and helped him up the rock and then he let go and kept moving. it was amazing, it was like 'youre a big strong adult so give me a hand here,' no fear, no shame, no shyness... i guess all that comes later.
anyway so back to the hiking. i ended up buying this book of 380 hikes in new england and am in love with it. saturday i went to this incredible crazy place, dogtown, on cape ann, and got lost in these creepy boulder strewn woods and then stumbled, mosquito ridden and parched and sunburnt on a quarry which i dove into without a shred of hesitation only to find out later that the guy sunbathing on the rocks on the other side basically owned the quarry and there were no trespassing signs everywhere that id missed. anyway he turned out to be fantastic, we talked for about an hour, he had no problem with nice girls being in his water he just didnt want punk kids jumping of the 40 foot ledges and dying in his water and he told me the history of the quarry and his personal story, how he came to be living in the old quarry house after surviving a brutal divorce and in the end he gave me a drink and drove me the five miles back to my car. it was amazing generosity and kindness when he could have/should have just kicked me out of the water completely. i have great pictures taken from the back of his pick up truck, the coast line streaming by and his dogs ears blowing in the wind, spittle flying.. i was so happy in those moments, did one of those close your eyes and try to ground yourself deeply in the moment becuase soon enough youll be back at a computer on a work day with emails pouring in... (annnnd here i am. amazing how that works.)
the next day i hiked a little mountain near my grandmother, pack monadnock north, which was not a big deal hike but had wild blueberries growing along the way and that was definitely a big deal. thats where i had that enounter with the little boy and i met a nice guy going up when i was heading down and we hung out briefly. hiking seems to bring out the best in everyone.
this really isnt that special, what im doing... but for me, a girl raised by a woman who doesnt talk to strangers and a man who calls the superintendent to change a lightbulb in a ny apartment, this is a radical lifestyle choice. i had a wonderful childhood, blessed, full, but no one ever brought me hiking as a kid. or as an adult. no one told me how trails work, no one taught me to ride a bike. no one considered going for a walk in nature on the weekend. i was inundated with culture and arts and i had the beach in the summer and my barns where i rode and that was wonderful but this is different and i love this. it lights me up... i can do this for the rest of my life! i can just put my finger down and say im going to drive to that place and walk up that big hill... i dont know why but its a mind blowing thing to me.
food is the same way. i can cook anything i want to cook! i can try making ringdings if i want!
I made a sweet dinner for amy last night, actually. or rather, i fed her what my grandmother had sent me home with, which was her special gazpacho and a salad of fresh lettuce from her garden and green and purple (yes PURPLE) peppers and avocado and tomato and carrots and provolone and a piece of halibut i bought on my way home marinated in parsley from my porch and lemon and pepper and shallots and the brownies wed made together and WHOA im living so well right now. how did this happen?
things are changing. im not even sure in what direction or how but i feel it starting underneath me. its coming to the end of august and thats always a heavy time. heavy things happen at the end of august, early september. i think this year will feel especially strange when everyone in my life starts schools and new programs and im still doing what i did, coming up on a year of doing what i do...
im also getting a new roommate on wednesday who i dont know. i do know im going to have to stop being naked all the time. speaking of life style choices.
well see about that.
